Hey. Wow, it’s been such a long time since I’ve just sat down infront of my laptop to write a blog and spill everything out. I’ll be honest, this is a blog mostly for my friends to all read and I hope that the point of this blog will be seen by you all. It’s not an apology or making excuses. More so a reason for my absence and filling everyone in on what I’ve been feeling and thinking and why I’ve been so distant lately.
I’ve no idea where to even start, really. Hm. Firstly, then, I’ll explain why I’m not as chatty or as sociable recently.
I don’t know. Lmfao. That’s the honest truth. I have no idea why. I want to be, I really do. I want to be so much. I’ve tried, I’ve woken up in the morning, started up my laptop and thought to myself “Today’s the day I make it up to everyone by sitting here and just chatting to them.” and then it never happens and 20 minutes later, my laptop is shut down. I want to talk to everyone, I want to chat and be me. Laugh and joke and things but when I sit here, I try to make conversation and it doesn’t work. Because it’s like the sadness washes over me as if to say “No you don’t, you’re not allowed to be happy and have a laugh with your friends.” And when that happens, it hits me so hard that every ounce of me feels depressed enough, tired enough to just go “What does it even matter? I’m never going to be happy no matter what I do. I’m always going to be alone and lonely, anxious and scared.” And I don’t know why but nothing I do can help it. Tired is the perfect word. I’m tired. I’m so, so worn out. I’ve tried for so many years now to make my life normal again. To motivate myself with the push to get up and out, go to college and make myself into someone but nothing I think of, no plan I have seems like it could work. Nothing shines with the light I need to walk to. I feel like a painters pallet, drained of all colour. Like my life is black and white. My emotions. I feel numb, apathetic. Every day, I wake up. Every day I fill my time with whatever it is I can and every night I go to sleep, to repeat the same thing. I don’t have the strength anymore, I’m collapsing under the weight of the pressure to go out and work, fall in love, buy a house and move in. To have children to contribute to the world. I feel like a waste of space. That’s the reason I’m sad. And I know I say I’m lonely often and I also know that I have friends, out in Cumbernauld and online. Who I speak to on a daily basis and text frequently but when I’m here, when I’m sitting and thinking of everything else I could be doing. Going to concerts and living life and falling in love and all those teenage things, I feel such a deep sadness that my time to do that has come and past. I’ve wasted what people say are supposed to be the best years of your life and I can’t stand that. I still think that dying could be a good thing. And I won’t lie, I often think that I won’t kill myself because I need to do more than that. And again, I want to live life and do everything you’re supposed to. But half of me doesn’t have the guts or the want to kill myself and the other half wouldn’t give a care if I got hit by a car and died, because what am I doing anyway? Nothing important.
This is sad, this is depressing. This is a heavy blog, you did not need to read it. But if you did, then thank you and I appreciate it as always. Truth be told, to summarize, I’m falling apart and trying to stop it, failing miserably. And that’s my life as of recently. There are good times, too. Like when I’m seeing my friends in Cumbernauld or having a good chat on FB (which as I said earlier is a rare occurrence for me lately) or I’m in my room and watching a good DVD. But I feel the pain more than the happiness and that’s the sad truth. Not attention seeking, not a cry for help. Just the truth.
Anywho, that’s me updated for a bit. I’m not gonna say when I’ll write on here again because truth is, I don’t know. So, yes. Thank you to all who’ve stuck by me and will continue to. You’re appreciated so much. All of you, every single person. Even if you don’t feel it, I’ve probably thought about you, the individual reader at some point recently and felt bad about how distant I’ve been. Anyway! Enough. That’s me done, now.